| I FUCKEN HATE IT WHEN PHOTOBUCKET'S BANDWIDTH EXCEEDS. UGH. SO ANNOYING.
I think im in love... |
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| At this exact time
a week ago,
i had my first
Love, sweet, love.
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| wow. so its been a while. anyway. I've stayed home from school & my dads an asshole.
I got a new phone though. its really cool its basically like a blackberry or a sidekick. its amazing. it has unlimited internet access and - aha! - i'm typing on it right now! I would put a pic up but its hard to have a second window open to post one. maybe ill post one another time. yea. but I might have it "taken away" because like I alreadu stated my father is an asshole. I highy doubt that though. he wouldnt spend SO much money to throw it all away. whatever. im just glad I have it.
all my luv...
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| well ..
see these? ^
ya. those.
those are roses from my mother .. [??!!]
number 1: since when does my mother get me roses?
number 2: since when does my mother get me nice things randomly?
number 3: since when is my mother nice to me & acts like she cares?
god i felt guilty.
u've no idea.
no idea.
for one thing,
it was the worst week
to get me anything nice
for SO many reasons:
1. this weekend, did pot [purple cush btw. ^.^] for the first time.
2. started smoking again, went through an almost full pack of Marlboro.
3. shopplifted [for the first time ever] a drink from the student store.
4.before i went to london, stole a heiniken from dad, drank the whole thing.
5. cut. [when i promised i wouldn't ever again]
6. thought about giving up my chastity, since i'm no longer catholic.
all this happened within a period of 2 weeks. just 2 weeks & i
changed. i became this rebellious teenager i promised myself never to
be. i promised to never give in & be better than all them & i
was, for almost 2 whole years in highschool, until .. this week. how
ironic. & today my mother pick's me up from Nick's [happy btw.
since when is she happy?] & pulls out the roses & says, "for
you". "what?" i say. "for what?" i say. "because i'm proud of you for
so many things." proud of me. hmmm. when she said that, i thought maybe
she meant school or having a talent or something like that. "like
what?" then she says, "well, you know, for not doing drugs, not having
sex, not doing those kinds of teenage things." a PANG of guilt. ouch. i held on to my purse where lies inside my last Marlboro cig. i thought it was a joke. i thought she had caught on. i thought she had found all the horrible things i had done & only bought me these roses to make me feel guilty so i would then confess the truth to her that she wanted to hear all along. i kept expecting for her to suddenly say, "ok, c'mon. i know whats been going on. i know your secrets. is there anything you want to say???? hmmmmm....??? anything in particular you want to confess?". She didn't tho. But if she did, would it be the fact that i ditched 2 periods 2 days in a row to go smoke a cigarette behind somewhere in a hidden Cal State area? Besides the fact that I shoplifted when i'm totally against that? Besides the fact that I smoked pot for the first time in the back of a lesbians car in a deserted parking lot? Besides the fact that i been drunk so many times before & you had no idea? Besides the fact that i cut again and you saw it and asked me about it and lied to you about what happened and you believed me? Besides the fact that i plan to go smoke a cigarette again tomoro because this depresses me?Nooooooooo. there's nothing i would have to say to her. Nothing i would feel the need to confess to her, Nothing at all. My lips are sealed. --- Why has fate done this to me? It was like the most immperfect day & week for my mother to think of giving them to me, because first of all, she never EVER does anything like this. i don't think you understand how weird this is. How UNUSUAL this is for my mother. and then for her to do it on such a week when i had completely disregarded my morals, her morals, catholic morals, morals that were drilled into my head from birth. I take advantage of the fact that i'm not catholic anymore. i know that. i know. i'm not sorry for not being catholic. i'm just sorry i do these things while my mother sits there and thinks i am a perfect angel who would never touch anything innappropriate. Not that i don't have a reason to. It's almost all her fault. She's a horrible mother. Not that i have the most perfect life anyway. maybe that's why she's so "proud" of me. because i have one of the worst lives i know & that she knows, and i still don't give in to unnessecary things to solve my problems. i'm sorry mummy dear. your little angel has long gone lost her innocence. i wish it wasn't so. if only you had been a week earlier you could have saved my dirty soul and rescued my perverted mind. why has this happened to me so? those who read this will think i'm disgusting for doing all of this, will think i'm stupid & careless & be dissappointed in me & perhaps never want to speak to me again, & i guess i don't blame them .. but let me say this, if this was you, if only you knew how it felt to be me, you wouldn't judge me so. because when it's you, it's something different. you're not a bystander. you're living it every moment & you feel every emotion that shoots your way. you can't understand me, your not fucked up.
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